Why I Retired miltownkid

I made a long rambly video about it:

The tl;dr/dw is that miltownkid took mental energy and resources away from being focused on goals surrounding taiji and personal development.

Who/What is miltownkid?

miltownkid was, always has been and always will be an experiment. While I was miltownkid, I never fully identified with him. It’s kind of hard to explain the relationship but earlier today I began [a question and answer process which is suppose to expose the illusion of self]. The first question I got was in regards to miltownkid. Here’s what I wrote:

I could write a whole book on that! (And I plan to! 🙂 ) I’ll do a quick summary.

Around the year 2000 I had to create a hotmail address. I wanted something unique (no numbers or anything) that would express my “core essence”. I believe I read some marketing book that mentioned all of the top brands were no more than 3 syllables (ie IBM).

After a bunch of failed attempts (names that were already taken) I came up with Mil-Town (a nickname for the city I was born and raised in, Milwaukee, WI) Kid ([I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toy R Us Kid]). What began as a simple email address with no other properties within the physical or “spirit” realm eventually took on a life of it’s own.

I moved to Taiwan in 2002 and used the miltownkid name on a discussion forum where I ended up meeting all of my Taiwan friends. The interesting result of me being in another country at that time was that I was able to craft a persona that crossed over from the digital realm to the physical realm without any limits (no one had any preconceived notion as to who “I” was). I created and went to meetups using the name miltownkid so that’s what people called me in person. What I crafted online influenced the offline which in turn influenced the online in a way that’s hard to describe. “miltownkid” had a “mind” of “his” “own”.

In 2006 I created a viral video which ended up defining much of who miltownkid was (a “hardcore gamer”, “I” was so much more). There is a symbiotic relationship between author and readership in this digital social age. The audience crafted miltownkid as much as I did. “I” was miltownkid at the same time as “I” wasn’t! miltownkid’s thoughts became my thoughts. miltownkid’s dreams became my dreams. miltownkid became me, I became miltownkid!

It was only until this past year that I’ve really done the work of extracting the “miltownkid mind” from “my mind”. I have a very comprehensive set of digital and physical notes outlining the genesis of miltownkid so it’s easy for me to see the elaborate fiction of him (me). This experience has helped with seeing the elaborate fiction that is CAP.

The CAP that preceded miltownkid was only interested in one thing, “enlightenment”. The CAP that’s emerging from miltownkid is interested in a few things: delivering all sentient beings, cutting off all vexations, mastering limitless approaches to Dharma, attaining supreme Buddhahood and keeping my girlfriend happy. Lol

CAP 1.0, miltownkid, CAP 2.0

So before there was a miltownkid there was a Casey Abbott Payne. This, external, CAP 1.0 was extremely similar to miltownkid. There was also an internal CAP that was a polar opposite from miltownkid. Someone whose only interest was renouncing everything worldly and becoming a monk in the mountains of China. These inner and outer sides of myself were constantly at war. I eventually convinced myself, through logic, that I may as well focus on the external stuff because “going hermit” is always an option. I can’t ever snap my fingers and declare “I’m going to buy a house!” I can always snap my fingers and declare “Fuck this shit! I’m moving to a mountain!”

These two sides of myself ended up being internally labeled as miltownkid (the external guy) and CAP (the internal guy that thought everything miltownkid was doing was stupid). I’ve spent the vast majority of my adult life exercising the miltownkid muscle (2000-2013). It’s only been the last few years that I’ve started exercising that inner CAP 1.0 guy and giving him an external voice and presence.

What you’re seeing on this website is the product of combining CAP 1.0 (that dude obsessed with nothing but enlightenment) and miltownkid (that dude who’s been mastering the internet and gives 0 fucks about enlightenment). We’ll call him Casey Abbott Payne.


I would ultimately like to sometimes slip back into the miltownkid ZEE (2.0) suit for the art of it, but I have other business to take care of first. I want to firmly establish Black Horse Tai Chi, assemble an International Push Hands Association and write a book and create a system titled “Flow to Your Dream”. What I would like to make abundantly clear is that I am neither miltownkid ZEE or Casey Abbott Payne. Both of these things are concepts which don’t accurately reflect who or what I am. Who or what am I? Another post for another day…

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