This Dream+Flow is really late! It’s supposed to be posted on Day 1 (January 1st), but I couldn’t get it done until today, Day 48 (February 17th).
Why did this post take so long?
As I said in the Cycle 9 Story, I got “crazy spiritual.” I just want to say “spiritual,” but the “crazy” is there because of how my spirituality manifested in the material world the last cycle. In the material world, I needed Western medicines to bring me “back to Earth.” One of the medicines was a shot that I got every 2 or 3 weeks. This shot totally took me out of the game. It had me depressed and staring at the ceiling a lot of the time. As soon as I started to feel better, it was time for another dose. This was supposed to go on for 2 or 3 more months, but I ended up putting my foot down and stopping it early. I couldn’t keep on going like that.
Why “Just Casey”?
I’m going to be consolidating two personas I created and lived as into one. miltownkid (ZEE) and Casey Abbott Payne are going to be seen, in my eyes, as “Just Casey.” I’m sure there will come a time when I rename myself to get away from my “colonial/slave” name, but… I’m in no hurry. Also, Casey is a pretty good name! It’s not colonial or slave-based (even though it is by the nature of the English language). I have a namesake, Kenneth Calvin, who everyone called K.C. I don’t know much about him, but I know he was special to my mom. That’s where my name comes from, so… it ain’t so bad. 🙂
I had too many things on my mind the last cycle, but one of those things was spot on. I can pretty much copy and paste it.
Dream: Have Deep Conversations with Myself
I have a lot of things to unpack. I didn’t fully retire miltownkid ZEE (mtk, my old persona) until the last cycle. Back in 2015, I created a new persona, Casey Abbott Payne (CAP), to help with disconnecting from mtk. Neither one of them fully embodied me and they were never supposed to. mtk was a freak accident from doing psychological experiments on myself coupled with the rise of digital/social media. CAP was designed to be a counterbalance to mtk, not a permanent replacement. When I moved into my new space at the end of [Cycle 8] I decided not to bring out any of the CAP artifacts (I had already put away the mtk stuff).
It’s time to sift through these two personas and see what remains.
I can copy and paste the Flow as well.
- Pen and paper journaling every day.
- Review old journals, personal development plans, and digital media
- Maybe: Produce a blog post about the main takeaways every 12 days
Maybe: Produce a profile for mtk and CAP Maybe: Produce podcast episodes about the transformation Maybe: Restart therapy”
I’m going to do a lot of reading of old journals, a lot of reflecting, and a lot of writing. Then I’ll organize my thoughts into some blog posts, videos, and podcast episodes. This is all I’m going to be focused on. I’m definitely going to create profiles for mtk and CAP. Those will be interesting. I’ll also work on getting therapy restarted. I’m not going to put pressure on myself to finish this process during this cycle, either. Cycle 11 might be “Just Casey 2,” and Cycle 12 might be “Just Casey 3”.
I only have one other Dream in mind…
Dream: Refine, Maintain, and Update My Flow
My lifeflow, or Flow for short, is made up of the daily processes, protocols, systems, habits, routines, and rituals I use each day. You can read about it here.
Flow: The flow for my flow is doing it and refining it. 🙂
Discovering who I am has been a long journey for me. Two things made it really complex. The first thing was my first manic episode/spiritual awakening back in 1999. Since I was born and raised in Western culture, I was taught that my experience was “crazy.” I was “bipolar,” and there wasn’t anything else to it. After that first one, I had many more episodes/awakenings, and trying to make sense of them without a spiritual guide was challenging. I’m only just now coming to terms with what has been happening to me (on the spiritual level).
The second thing was coming of age online and getting a little internet fame. Creating miltownkid, getting a viral video, and a following was… a lot. I was one of the first people to experience that phenomenon, so there wasn’t a playbook for it. In the beginning, miltownkid was a character I made up. In the end, the character took over, and I didn’t really know a version of myself outside of miltownkid.
Just one of these things would have been a lot to process. Having them both going on at the same time was super intense! I’m at the very beginning of really being able to process them. Doing this work is really important to me because I understand that I’m going through a healing process. Deep healing. And… I really want to help heal others, but I can’t do that until I heal myself. So, just like I’ve been doing for the last 20 years, I’ll be going through this process publicly and documenting the journey. I’m really excited to see who comes out on the other end.